Fear

I think my biggest fear is that somehow, people can see that throbbing sense of inadequacy that I always seem to posses in crowds. If I had to dig deep, and try to understand where that lack of self worth resides, I guess it's just that still, no matter how hard I try not to, I am comparing myself to other people. Never ever do that sisters. Don't ever compare yourself to others. However, I know it's much like me telling you not to smoke and then lighting up a cigarette in the same breath... If I want YOU not to do it, then shouldn't I stop? Yet, I fall off the bandwagon, I'm human, I can't do things right every time, what matters is I make the effort and commit to succeeding. I so desperately want to. How can I touch you in such a way, that you will feel inspired and look up at the sky and find some start to pinpoint, and spend the rest of your life trying to get to it? Because that star is you. Find you, and fly the night, trailing your burning, brilliant flames. That's what I want for you... it's what I want for me. Let me tell you a story. Once upon a time, there was a little girl, who wanted nothing more than to be someone else. She used to draw doors with a stick in the dirt, with a little keyhole in it. A trick she'd learned from Alice and Wonderland... she'd spend hours trying to open the door. Trying to get into that magical imaginary world, where everything was beautiful, pristine, and full of adventure. Often times she'd draw the key... but the key never fit, and the magic door never opened. The reality was, she grew up in a dark, ugly world, where you were more likely to find a criminal waiting to hurt you then an actual knome in the bushes... and she spent allot of her life in despair of that door, waiting for the day when that magical entrance would finally open. Now you are probably wondering, didnt she grow out of it? Well, in some ways, yes... Eventually, she realized that door would never open. She would never transport, whole body, into a place where things such as race, looks, and Competitiveness didn't matter, but, if by some chance she could unlock that door inside her mind... well then what endless possibilities would be there? Eventually she decided that maybe it was a good idea to put away the fantasy and try to make a go of living in the mortal world. Sometimes, she has a difficulty separating fantasy and reality. Sometimes she punishes herself more than she needs to. It's all apart of the process of becoming a whole person. Taking that first step out on the road to recovery is a hard one, especially when you are recovering from a broken dream. That girl was and is me, and while I can't tell you that I don't believe I can draw a door in the ground and open it up... I do believe that healing myself will put that door where it should be, back in my heart and mind. Some days I CAN look in the mirror and not think I have too small eyes set in a too round face. Some days I CAN see less broad shoulders and a more proportioned body. Other days though... I just can't. What is important for you to understand though, is regardless of these insecurities, you still promote your own self worth, and you still continue to work at it. Instead of saying, you can't win them all, think you can't lose them all. Keep going.. one step at a time. We need you. We need your big imagination, or your large heart, your too big lips, your flat nose, your large eyes, your narrow chins, your stringy hair... We need your diversity. We need to see that fitting in should not be based on looks alone, it should be based on attitude and heart. People need to challenge what they see, and have the courage to look closer. It takes little steps from every person, leading people in the right direction. Have faith. Live, if not for anything else, the sheer determination to prove that you have a RIGHT to. I wish you love...