Fear

I think my biggest fear is that somehow, people can see that throbbing sense of inadequacy that I always seem to posses in crowds. If I had to dig deep, and try to understand where that lack of self worth resides, I guess it's just that still, no matter how hard I try not to, I am comparing myself to other people. Never ever do that sisters. Don't ever compare yourself to others. However, I know it's much like me telling you not to smoke and then lighting up a cigarette in the same breath... If I want YOU not to do it, then shouldn't I stop? Yet, I fall off the bandwagon, I'm human, I can't do things right every time, what matters is I make the effort and commit to succeeding. I so desperately want to. How can I touch you in such a way, that you will feel inspired and look up at the sky and find some start to pinpoint, and spend the rest of your life trying to get to it? Because that star is you. Find you, and fly the night, trailing your burning, brilliant flames. That's what I want for you... it's what I want for me. Let me tell you a story. Once upon a time, there was a little girl, who wanted nothing more than to be someone else. She used to draw doors with a stick in the dirt, with a little keyhole in it. A trick she'd learned from Alice and Wonderland... she'd spend hours trying to open the door. Trying to get into that magical imaginary world, where everything was beautiful, pristine, and full of adventure. Often times she'd draw the key... but the key never fit, and the magic door never opened. The reality was, she grew up in a dark, ugly world, where you were more likely to find a criminal waiting to hurt you then an actual knome in the bushes... and she spent allot of her life in despair of that door, waiting for the day when that magical entrance would finally open. Now you are probably wondering, didnt she grow out of it? Well, in some ways, yes... Eventually, she realized that door would never open. She would never transport, whole body, into a place where things such as race, looks, and Competitiveness didn't matter, but, if by some chance she could unlock that door inside her mind... well then what endless possibilities would be there? Eventually she decided that maybe it was a good idea to put away the fantasy and try to make a go of living in the mortal world. Sometimes, she has a difficulty separating fantasy and reality. Sometimes she punishes herself more than she needs to. It's all apart of the process of becoming a whole person. Taking that first step out on the road to recovery is a hard one, especially when you are recovering from a broken dream. That girl was and is me, and while I can't tell you that I don't believe I can draw a door in the ground and open it up... I do believe that healing myself will put that door where it should be, back in my heart and mind. Some days I CAN look in the mirror and not think I have too small eyes set in a too round face. Some days I CAN see less broad shoulders and a more proportioned body. Other days though... I just can't. What is important for you to understand though, is regardless of these insecurities, you still promote your own self worth, and you still continue to work at it. Instead of saying, you can't win them all, think you can't lose them all. Keep going.. one step at a time. We need you. We need your big imagination, or your large heart, your too big lips, your flat nose, your large eyes, your narrow chins, your stringy hair... We need your diversity. We need to see that fitting in should not be based on looks alone, it should be based on attitude and heart. People need to challenge what they see, and have the courage to look closer. It takes little steps from every person, leading people in the right direction. Have faith. Live, if not for anything else, the sheer determination to prove that you have a RIGHT to. I wish you love...

Love Letter

There is never a day I go without thinking of you… The tender things you say are like little jewels that encrust my heart… shielding it from the damage that may come my way. Sometimes I’m confused, and don’t understand the lessons you are trying to teach me- sometimes I don’t even understand the lessons I teach you. Yet somehow… it always works. I’ve held on by a driving force, that force is love. I could say it a million times, and it wouldn’t be enough to truly describe the wealth of feeling that surges forth- every time I hear your voice. The way you joke about silly things, and how your voice changes when you’re feeling particularly good… I would give so much to hear that sound, every day. Yet- some days are bad, and I can hear the soft sound of quiet dismay, and the roaring sound of violent anger… yet, I can’t turn away. I can’t turn away from your pain as surely as I can’t turn away from my own. Instead, I shine my light out into those dark seas, and pray for you to find me again. To find the warm light I hold kindled for you… every day. When you are sick, I want to comfort you, to heal you, to make you stronger. When you are tired, I want to be the place you go, to calm yourself and sleep. When you look at the world and only see misery, I want to show you the joys. It is MY joy, to bring out the sun in your heart. So protected, so shielded; I chip out the layers of brick and mortar, to find the source that is you. I don’t know how long we have. Life is a road full of twists and turns, and maybe at some point this path will end, and you’ll be called to leave this world, and this harbor, to be a part of all that is good once again. You, my warrior, will be gone from my touch… but the love you’ve given me, the time and care, will stay in my heart, always. I love you… I say it again—I love you; and the ins and outs that go with it. Sometimes we may not agree, sometimes we are disharmonized, but I believe we always find a way, to get back on the road together… I can’t wait for the day when you will hold me, and I can pull you to my chest, where you’ve lived inside these last two years. I cannot wait to feel your breath, to marvel at the rhythmic beating of your heart; where I have lived, inside of you. You, and me, separate but one… I hope you read this, and whenever you do, I hope you feel the love wash over you. It cannot erase the past, but maybe, just maybe, it can be a soothing ointment for old wounds, and maybe it can ease your pain and maybe, inspire you to heal. This is my hope, my faith. Feel me pull you close, and rock with you… Apart, we are strong, together we are ever stronger; your strength of spirit… and my strength of heart. I love you... I say it again-I love you… ------- I have learned so much in the last two years! Really... I am very thankful for the lessons that true love has brought me. For years I was struck with a terrible phobia about driving. I wasn't sure if I would ever get over it. Thanks to meeting my mate not only have I been driving, but I am at the point where I don't shake or cry when I do so. I have found freedom, I've embraced my sexuality, I've become more comfortable in my own skin. But this wasn't all just her, it was me too. So perhaps a few of you ladies are wondering why I would post such an intimate letter to the world. Well, I am wondering that too! My driving motivation is to let my sisters see and know what it's like to really find something lasting. Meet people that impact your life, I mean really do that. Make it your goal. Get out there and find like minds. Now The first thing I have to say about love is, you never expect it coming. You have a feeling that this may be the one, but you never quite know. You go from maybe to.. oh my god it is! And then that is when the fear comes in. Good grief the fear! It's like, you're standing over the edge of something big and serious and you have to decide if it's worth going through the promised set of pain, strife, and hard work that comes from having a relationship. Let me tell you though, it is highly worth it. I have learned myself better through loving another human being. For instance, I've learned I have a mean streak. I've learned I have a big, forgiving heart, and I've learned that I am a strong individual with a voice. I have also learned that, in spite of my tremendous efforts not to, I can come across as a bit of a now it all, and also, I can seem as though I am looking down at others. This is a side of myself I don't really like very much, so I am working on it. That is what separates the doers from the procrastinators, you have to decide what is important about YOU that you need to work on. No one is born perfect or knowing everything, but, there is always room for improvement. I move to be a life long learner, so that I may improve every day, if only marginally. My goal is to make an impact on this world. And by gosh, I think I'm on my way.

Independence

Cherish every moment, like few ever do. Open up your heart and let it reach inside of you. Take part in all the kisses, enjoy every touch. And know that you are blessed to have someone to love you so much. And even if your single, dont ever feel alone. For there are others out there still looking for a home. A place to find the space to breathe and make it completely yours. A place where you gather the strength to fight the coming wars. Life is unpredictable, but always just as good. It's worth every minute, a sentiment seldom understood. *************************************************************************************************************************** Lets start today by counting our blessings. You don't have to have a lover, you don't have to have a friend. Those additions to your life are wonderful, and add enrichment, but they do not define you. They do not make you the single most cherish-able being that you are. Does a flower need a another flower to open up? No.. but it does get a little help. Science calls these pollinators, birds and insects that crawl inside the bud to drink the nectar and helps spread pollen from flower to flower, so that seeds may grow. So... lets think about this. I want to teach you a lesson here. Independence; what does it mean? Does it mean you don't NEED anyone? Here is the thing, if we want to get technical, no one can live without any help whatsoever. It's impossible. However, you can take charge of your life and live for yourself, and provide yourself with the things you need. You don't need a relationship to find your bit of happy, but... if you really want to evolve as a person, to become a better person, the need for relationships are undeniable. If not a love, then a friend, an acquaintance, a group of like minded individuals for you to show your ideas to. Because, lets face it, people do better with encouragement, people crave someone to say "what YOU are doing, is worth while". Our need for this sort of response from others should never stop us from following our dreams. There will be times where you will feel alone, and maybe perfectly happy there, and there is nothing wrong with that, and there will be times where you are wanting with all your heart for just someone to hold you close. Now, referencing back to the flower observation. Flowers need pollinators, if they want to pass on their genes to the next generation,but, the flower does produce it's own sweet nectar to attract the pollinators it needs, and it does produce it's own seeds, which is the ultimate goal. In fact, flower heads exist in bright colors specifically too attract these pollinators to their nectar. So... isn't the flower independent? It is not only independent, but it is dependent on those pollinators doing their job, yet, the flower did make itself available to attract these pollinators so.. In summation you can say yes, the flower is an independent organism who is creating an atmosphere that is welcoming to the organisms it is dependent upon for producing more flowers. Now, on to my point! Cherish all you hold dear. If you have a mate, good, enjoy that mate, and let them know every single day that you love them. They are an important addition to your life, and they are helping you become a better person by loving you. If it is a healthy relationship, you are growing because these pollinators, that is, your lover, your friends, your family, acquaintances, are spreading your pollen to others. Your 'pollen' is the energy that you give off. This is why they say your bad mood doesn't just effect you, it effects everyone you meet. If you want to feel validated, wanted, or loved, you need to find this seed within yourself, and once you have found it, you will find that you have more to spread. This energy only grows. Look within, and then spread it out. Your pain is real, your need is real, and you will not find the solution to these unless you are able to open yourself up to the truth. That yes, independence is a must, but life is all about interdependence. That is, we must learn to WORK together, and be with each other, if we are to ever learn how to become better people. When a person says, "I don't NEED anyone" what are they really saying? In my mind they are saying "I don't want to NEED anyone so I will push everyone away". Now, when you say "I rely on myself and don't need anyone for any THING" Then perhaps, you are right. You don't need people to provide you with THINGS, and that is a clear distinction. In my mind, yes, you are independent. While you are sitting there, burning in your righteous hate, and not needing any one person to add to your life, you are saying that, you are at the level that you are perfectly fine without anyone else. For me this means you are throwing yourself out of sync with others, and you are casting the sails of your ship alone. If this is what you want, then I wish you all the blessings in all the worlds... but keep in mind, that while you are alone, drifting in the sea, by yourself, you are not looking to become a better PERSON.. you are merely surviving. Make the distinct separation in your mind. Independence is something you need to be without burden, but by being independent you must keep yourself OPEN for interdependence. That is, to have the relationships that will help you become a better person. No one is ever alone, but if you are consciously pushing everyone away because you don't want to rely on anyone, you are also cutting off the chance of actually growing personally as a person. It is your decision to make. Be good to yourself, love yourself, and give yourself every opportunity. Do not be afraid either to share yourself with others, when you do this, you are giving something to the world. You are spreading your pollen. I wish you hugs, life, and love sisters.

A lack of permanence

The one thing that is so true is that the universe is every changing. This is the only thing in existence that is certain. Please take a moment to look at this video. http://www.upworthy.com/are-you-happy-and-in-love-here-s-why-that-makes-you-so-sad?c=ufb1 For those of you who have had strong feelings for another person, or have been in love, have you ever been moved to tears? I get allot of grief for doing it. Yet sometimes it seems I feel so much love that I can't even make a clear, meaningful sentence, for a few moments I am riding the painful bliss that is that moment. Perhaps what the guy in this video is saying is true. We cry when we see something so beautiful, so meaningful, because we know that eventually in life, all things must end. It is the end that is change. We are so aware of this fact that we can literally push away the good things in our lives, in order to avoid that sort of tremendous pain. I believe that to push away love, to ignore the beauty, or to lesson it is simply a strategy we use to try and let go. Read very carefully and see what I mean here. I am going to use myself as an example. For a long time, during my teen years, I couldn't cry. I would be presented with a sad situation, and I would shut it off, distance myself, and start to laugh, or I would just be angry all the time. For me it was a way to cope with stress, however, I wasn't getting rid of my feelings, I was just holding them back. As a result I suffered frequent bouts of faintness, that is I would get lightheaded, and I would begin to see spots before simply crumpling to the ground. It was like my entire body would give out. Now, the sensation last for a mere few seconds, but I would get up from it, crying and frightened, trying to understand what just happened to me. Later on I was able to leave my family's home and go to Job Corps. While it was a completely frightening experience for me, in job corps, I was allowed to face some of the anxieties I had about socializing. I was made to talk to people in order to get what I want, and I spent allot of time reading and writing out my confused feelings. I wrote a large amount of poetry full of anxiety, full of love and the sad feelings of a broken hearted little girl. As a result, the bouts of weakness left me, and I haven't had one since. This is what I believe happened. I believe that I repressed my feelings of fear, anxiety, and love so much, that I was unable to function sometimes, because it was literally taking energy from my body to allow me to do that. Now, here is the lesson I'm trying to teach today. Allow yourself to love. I'm serious, allow yourself to love fully and completely. I know there are complications, I know that there are doubts and misgivings, we feel sad, because we don't want to lose the people we care about so much, and we don't want for them to suffer in our own passing. Love is beautiful, and it lasts for a blip in time, even if we want it to spill out to forever. I believe it can, I believe true love can survive even death, but can I convince you of that? No.. because it is hard, it involves dedication, and it involves laying yourself open, to be scrutinized and really and truly SEEN. That being said, you have to be ready to be loved. You have to be ready to accept that you will be scrutinized, that painful feelings will pop up, that bad memories you thought you'd long ago had repressed will resurface, and that other people wont understand. You have to have the strength to take that scrutiny,and say "I am what I am" and move forward. Here is the thing, as I have suggested. Bad feelings don't go away. You don't suddenly get over being abused or mistreated. The truth is, you may never get over it; but I believe you wont argue with me if I tell you that you have to live. You have to somehow live through the guilt, the bouts of anger or depression, and if you are in a worse period in your life, the contemplation of hurting yourself. Don't hurt yourself, haven't people done that enough to you? Don't look out at the yawning darkness and think, there is no light at the end of the tunnel, because there is, but you have to believe in it and you have to PUT it there.. and the truth is, you probably NEED help... but you can't do nothing and expect to get help. You need to open yourself up and allow yourself to be loved. You can start by loving you. Try it, just look in the mirror and say. "We've been through allot haven't we?" That's how you start that conversation with yourself. Tell yourself your fears, your hopes, your dreams. Cry, smile, laugh, and know that no matter what, you will get to where you need to be. The same light that caused your first heartbeat, your first breath, and your first word, still flows inside of you, and that light sisters, is made of love. You ARE love.. by just being. You have it with you, always.

Had a long nap...

I was asked by someone I love very much, who am I writing for? It seems a very simple question, yet if you hadn't ever considered it before, while traipsing around calling yourself a writer than really it's a huge reality check. Because when I was asked who I'm writing for I didn't have an answer... Oh I came up with a few. "Yes yes I'm writing for girls.. yes.. I'm writing for adults who've been abused, no no I'm writing for baby lesbians who struggle to come out of the closet... NO NO I'm writing for all people who want a voice.. " Well shit.. if I don't have a target audience then the undeniable truth is this... All this time I have been writing for myself. Woah... mind blowing! I woke up this morning with a song in my head. My Cherokee relatives have called to me in their music. "We'en de ya ho!" Anyone who knows me has heard me say it before... has heard me sing it before.. and some know what it means. "I am of the great spirit HO!" I am... of the great spirit... So... it is the core of my central belief, and always has been, that we are all interconnected. Each person has a place on the wheel of life. My gift from the medicine wheel was a great heart. The rest.. I must find. I take from the lessons my mother taught me, my strength. I can overcome adversity. I take from the lesson my lover taught me, my skills in battle, I am a warrior! I take from the lessons my little niece taught me, my love for teaching... I am a teacher! And I take, from the lessons I taught myself.. I am a creator! I am a story teller! Now.. now that I know myself, now that I've reaffirmed what it is to be me.. Who the hell am I writing for? Well, what do I want to teach? Young girls, though these models don't look like you, and you may never wear a size two, you are worthy and beautiful. You deserve love and respect. Mature women, you are wise from the lessons you've learned, but there is still an active lesson you are learning now... how to keep your mind open and learn something new. I am gay, I am black, I am cherokee, I have european ancestors and guess what? I deserve a place in this world, and all the others like me do too. So... who am I writing for? I am writing for girls, old and young... I am writing for women who like me, want to make a difference, but perhaps they don't know how, gay or straight, white or black, native american or indian or... whatever the level of melanin your skin may have.. I am writing to contribute to the web of life.. to spark a cord out into the universe and make it shudder with life, innovation, and awakening. Ultimately, I am writing to spread the lesson love has taught me, on to you.. and I hope you make it viral. Nothing is beyond your scope of ability, everything CAN be achieved, icy hearts CAN melt, open wounds CAN heal, and lingering germs can be cleansed. It all depends on you. Are you willing to open your wounds, dig in and clean them out? Are you prepared to stitch them up, slather salve on them, and wrap them EVERY DAY? Everyone has damage, and I'm writing to you ladies out there that perhaps feel them in a profound way. It's time to reclaim the heart of all people. It's time to wake up, and to spread something good, but first, we must clean out the infection of hate, fear, and self doubt. Wake up, my sisters. WAKE UP