Why did I?

There is this silly notion that one day you wake up wise.
That perhaps with age you'll just start to 'get it'. It's really a lovely fairy tale but that is just what it is, a fable. I'd like to call it the fable of youth.  The idea that you turn 18 and you're instantly an adult or you turn 21 and then.. yes and THEN everything makes sense.
Not likely.
That is why I continually dedicate myself to being a lifelong learner because baby, I don't know squat.
Well..
Maybe that isn't to safe to say...
I DO know that if you don't pay your bills before you decide to go out and splurge you will forget and be behind. Because who wants to pay bills? I also know that sometimes the very thing you think is going to happen actually does. In short, the only thing I know for sure is that predictions are iffy at best, and it's always good to have a back up plan.
I seldom follow the rule. I admit it here that I'm a creature of habit. I like to do the same thing at the same time every day, with maybe an occasional surprise or two.. I like consistency and some predictability. Maybe it's because I'm a taurus or maybe it's just because I've had a lifetime of unpredictable happenings and it can get rather old.
Anyway what I kind of wanted to touch on is my anxieties. You wouldn't know it by looking at me... or maybe you would? But I have anxiety that occurs in social situations. Yes, the heart palpitating, sweaty, nerve racking anxiety that often damages opportunities. I go to a support group for it now, we've had only one meeting but.. It struck me that I am seriously not the only one. I am not the only one who keeps talking, afraid that if I stop I will be deigned uninteresting and cast aside. I am not the only one thinking that everything I say SHOULD be interesting. I am also not the only one who laments on the idea of being hated.
The question often comes up, why do I care so much?
Why indeed?
I can't tell you. Only that I do. I care too much. That is why I criticize my everything. That is why I struggle with confidence and why it is hard for me to really just be cool.
No worries though. I am learning that this is not a weakness. It is a condition, and while the condition may never fully be cured, it can be significantly improved and liveable.
I can live.
I can live, and actually be happy.
So here I am, dreaming a better dream and I hope you do too. Don't give up on you.
With much love...
Orhea