In the feels

sin¹

sin/

noun

1. 1.

   an immoral act considered to be a transgression against divine law.
   
   
2. My greatest sin is not allowing myself to sin...
   Mental illness, used to be treated like a hapless, cursed disease. The wilder a person is, the more wretched they become. Depression? I am not sure most even believe it still exists. Maya Angelou wrote in her book, "I know why the caged bird Sings" that she was referred to often as 'tender hearted'. Having a soft, malleable soul is like an affliction. So perhaps it is aptly put. 
   I am easily moved by the suffering of others. 
   Isn't that a thing? Sorrow seems so out of the proper element of things. Misery and pain. I cannot help but to feel moved by the suffering of another. So much so that I have forced myself to become numb. 
   The Dali Lama said "happiness is the natural state of human existence". Not in those exact words but, if we are meant to be happy then all things that makes us sad is unnatural to our normal way of flowing being. We are SUPPOSED to be in a constant state of happiness. According to this thought, but because we are moved by external elements, we cannot escape the tendency to sway toward misery. Yet, we continue to seek out the joys in life in hopes of combating with the sorrows. 
   
   I was coming to the third grade when I first thought of dying. I thought of it as, a blissful relief from the elements I could not control around me. 
   How she raged, my mother. With the passion of a person who is mentally ill. With the hurt of a person who was deeply wronged. As she raged, I became contained, shrinking under the tempest. Cowering in the storm. 
   As I passed from child to adolescence, I contented myself with the knowledge that someday, someday I could grow up and move off on my own. I could make a family that was not broken. I could mold the outcome... 
   I neglected to understand one valuable piece of knowledge. That is, you can move, you can change your name and even become a different person. This is normal to change. However what you can't do is erase the voices in your head permanently. 
   You must live with them. As they shaped you, you must then shape them. You must do this diligently so you can have those moments. Those precious moments where you are in a natural state of bliss. 
   

   tor·ture

   ˈtôrCHər/

   noun

   1. 1.

      the action or practice of inflicting severe pain on someone as a punishment or to force them to do or say something, or for the pleasure of the person inflicting the pain.

   I think it is time to say that enough is enough. I have tortured myself. Over and over. I have forced food into my body to try and hold off the pain. I have denied my body food to try and starve the pain. I've told myself my feelings are insignificant, that my suffering is not valid, thus, I did not give myself even the slightest acknowledgement.... I have not allowed myself to really feel. 
   Why? Because it makes people uncomfortable. Because I have cared for THEM more than me. Yet, it has only bought me alienation. It's done the exact opposite of what I wanted it to do. 
   

   love

   ləv/

   noun

   1. 1.

      an intense feeling of deep affection.

   I know what love is. It is not easily manipulated. It is not easily won or lost. Yet, this pithy definition is but the tip of it. 
   I've waited so patiently to be showed I am worth loving. You cannot convince a brick wall that it is alive. In this way, the old hurts, the past dramas and all the broken links are instances of times when I have willingly gone into that unnatural state of misery, in the hopes of finding something that I always had.
   Love...
   I have the love inside of me. For so many sometimes it seems it might burst from my chest and wash the world in pink and purple.
   It does not make me miserable. It makes me nostalgic. It makes me emotional.
   What makes me miserable is when the connection becomes lost and I do not see my love reflecting.
   But this is a problem that many have. In this age of misunderstanding. In this age of texts, phone calls and video chat. IN this age where contact is seldom and when it occurs it is so fleeting that it is more like butterfly wings brushing the hem of your shirt... I need a fucking hug. I need to lay in bed with an arm around me and fingers brushing my hair. I NEED to touch.
   I'll keep waiting patiently...