Dear me
Hi there, it's been a long time since we've had a real talk.
No no, I'm not talking about how I put you down and make you feel less than a person. I'm talking about a real talk. So here it goes.
I'm sorry...
No really, this time I am for real. I am really sorry.
When you looked in the mirror this morning, and I told you that your eyes had too much dark circles under them, I was just being an ass. I know it hurt, and you went on with your day concerned about it. Truth is you have dark circles because you don't get enough sleep. You don't get enough sleep because you are constantly worried about the ones you love.
Can I tell you something though? A hundred percent honesty here? You forgot about me.
You forgot about me and now you have dark circles, anxieties, and an over all broken heart.
That's why I am sorry. I know you've grown up with so many hurts, and it's wrong of me to keep kicking at you, especially when you are down.
You know, sometimes I am just a big bully.
I have to tell you. Life isn't easy. You're pudgy belly is a big sign of that. The stress and poor eating habits played a toll on you. Which leads me to this whole apology thing. I want to apologize for everything. So, I'm sorry about calling you fat too. Hey, I didn't do anything to help you! I didn't motivate you to work out, but in spite of me you kept pushing yourself. You're actually going back the right way. You're eating better, you're getting in a few workouts. So you might not lose fifty pounds in a month but you're at least doing something. So I'm sorry for not giving you kudos.
Kudos girl, you're working on it. Please don't give up!
For every time I called you stupid, I take that back. I'm really sorry. Just because you don't think like other people doesn't mean you're dumb, you just think differently, and anyway, you get great grades in college... COLLEGE. So I'm sorry for saying that all you have to do to get good grades in college is the work. You kicked your own ass to get that work done, you were smart enough to keep going, and you're nearly there. Good! Don't give up. You've got discipline, and we can make it.
I think no person is perfect. I cut everyone slack except you, but now it's time to cut you some slack. Now it's time to let by gones be by gones and tell you the truth.
It's fear that has made me say those awful things.
Like how I make fun of your freckly face, your frizzy hair, your large breasts, and I know it was a cheap shot attacking your nose. The truth is, there is no one in this world who looks quite like you. Trust me, this is not the worst thing. What other people think of you shouldn't mean squat. I made it too much of a priority. I'm sorry. Anyway, there is something familiar about your face. No one can reproduce it. So I am starting to really appreciate it. So, I'll do my best not to call you ugly anymore. I mean, what am I even comparing you too anyway?
That leads me to that whole misunderstanding about your ethnic heritage. Look, I was just repeating what people have told me. Since they don't know what it's like to be you they really can't say. So why beat yourself up over something you can't control? I know you. I know you want to belong, but if people can't accept you for all of who you are, well they can go fuck themselves.
I mean it.
Hey kid, you've been through allot. I wish it could have been better. I wish the hurt could be washed away, the bad memories flushed down the drain but that just ain't gonna happen. I'm sorry for bringing it up all the time, for making you feel like you can never be good enough. Others go through similar hurts too, and you know what? Some of those people do right for themselves.
I'm not going to make the mistake of comparing you to others, I'm just saying...
I think my biggest asshole move ever was to tell you that no one would ever love you for who you are. It was such a dick move, really. I'm sorry. There are not enough apologies in the world for that one. I'm not just sorry to you either. I'm sorry for those that may love you, but I've planted that seed of doubt so deep that you have a hard time. I've made you feel insecure, but I hope by really talking to you we can change that. Now I want you to look at me, and really look.
Are you looking?
I love you okay? No really, I love you. Hey it's okay to cry. I know this is hard. I mean I am you, so I know. It's hard to let me love you. Don't you see why that is so wrong? Don't you see why we need to fix that? Not because no one else will love you, they probably will; but the truth is, you can't sustain yourself on that love alone. Oh it's wonderful and great and it really helps.
But I am going to be completely honest with you.
It's not enough. You need me.
You need my love.
So take it. Take it, along with all my hopes and dreams for our future.
I love you.
I'm going to keep saying that until you believe it.
Then I'm going to say it some more.
You deserve it, and I love you.
Now go to sleep because you need to take care of yourself.
Kind regards,
Me
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