A little self confidence this morning!

A thought on beauty….

In this world where women are suddenly bursting out into their sexuality,  and when I mean bursting I mean bursting! If anyone saw the recent musical awards show, I refer to Niki Minaj’s skit, and the one done by Beyonce.  One ponders the correlation between beauty and sexuality.

Honestly, I think anyone can be sexy. It is a matter of how you present yourself, your level of confidence, and your desire to convey a certain message.  It is also highly a matter of people’s preference.  That being said, I can see a certain level of beauty in all people.

So, what is it that I am looking at, that most over look? It is simple. While others are typically looking at aesthetics, I am looking at the whole picture. That is, mannerisms, the way a person speaks, their level of confidence, and also their level of competence. To me, there is nothing more unattractive than a person that behaves and is, willfully ignorant. If you are close minded, unwilling to learn, stagnant, then I can read it in everything you do.

Now, let’s consider how these days, a plus size woman, if she is confident, can put on a corset and heels and rock that look with a level of poise that could put shame to super models on a runway. So then, why is there all this pressure to lose weight? Society seems to have this misconception that the size of your waist equals the value of you. That is why, although I know I am not at the size I want, I understand that what others may find appealing in me is their own affair. The biggest, most important thing is what I find appealing about ME. So let’s try this exercise.

Look in the mirror.

Go on look! Look at yourself for at least thirty seconds; take in your facial features, better if you have a full mirror, look at your whole body if you can.  Then look back at this.

Tell me, what is it about you that separate you from the crowd?  Oh everyone has a defining mark. Something about them that is very unique.

I think I have nice eyes.  I think I have an adaptable personality. Though I wish I was more outgoing and a better listener. These things I can improve and to me, ads to my appeal.

Do you get it yet?

Beauty is not the size of your pants, the shape of your rear, the poise of your breasts. Its that nifty part of you that says “I am me, and I am proud”.  Whether it manifests in the tone of your voice, the way you move your hands, or how you engage others.  It is there. You just need to see it.

Now look back in the mirror.  Are you happy? Don’t think about what others may think! I think in a short amount of time I have learned that people don’t care. No really they don’t care to really judge you like you think.  Everyone judges, but don’t agonize on it. Just focus on expressing yourself in a way that is respectful but genuine.

Do that, and all the beauty in all the world is yours.

You’re gorgeous honey!

JUST DO

“Just do” That has been my driving force the last few months… It has seen me through losing four inches off my waist. It has seen me through disappointment, and into triumph.
All my life, my decisions were made based off what others thought of me. By others I mean my very own family. It’s been made based off what I thought was expected of me, and also how I wanted people to perceive me to be.  Now, I understand one thing for sure and that is that life is a constant work in progress. In this way, just like everybody else I try.  It is just discovering what I am trying for that has been tricky.
Fact one:  No matter how hard I try, people will only see what they desire to see. They will only see what they perceive.
Therefore, no matter what I do, I cannot control it. I can’t control what others see and take from what I put out in the world. I can only control the feeling behind it. I can only do my best to communicate my thoughts and feelings as best as possible, and hope that some will find the message in them so that it can effect in a positive way.
Fact two: I have no way of knowing what they are wanting from me. I can only guess. Truth is anyone can only guess.
Thus, instead of trying to give people what they want. I have decided to just DO what feels right.  If it isn’t wanted, then it isn’t; but it is out there.
Fact three: Up until I decided to consciously make a change, everything I did was not working.
It is hard for me not to give a damn. That’s it, I said it. I am one of those people that agonize on whether I said the right thing, or communicated something the right way.  So by just doing, I am constantly changing. It is better than killing myself with worry!
Fact four:  The idea of there being a right way to anything sets you up for failure.
Hear me out.  If we are constantly trying to do things right and as a result constantly failing, then it is not that we haven’t been doing it right, it is that we haven’t found a way that works.  Just like there are many ways to love a person, there are many ways to approach a situation.  Just like you can fail when trying to communicate your love, there are many ways to fail when trying to improve a situation. The answer then is to find another way.  Find as many ways as possible and just keep trying.  The moment you give up is the moment when you lose.
Happily, even when we do give up, we can always make the decision to get back up and try again. I don’t think there is such a thing as too late either. It is when we limit ourselves by time and circumstance that we stop making progress, and it’s when we try to measure our progress up to preset standards that we stop seeing the big picture.
That big picture is splayed out before your eyes, every day.

Taste my words

Here for you I am giving up another poem. The power to overcome the ridicule and angst that may have assaulted you for years comes from really and truly digging deep. You remember YOU. You must love YOU. In all your  gorgeous perfections and imperfections. For there is something to love in imperfection. It is unique, it is personal. It is, your claim to identity.

Taste my words!

I feel it inside myself

That tender yearning for something gentle, sensual, and real

For a love everlasting

And perhaps it is more than that…

When I search for that thing inside that is whole and beautiful, that thing that is so much me and yet..

And yet, so far out there…

Disjointed, disconnected,  feeling a since of detachment that starts somewhere from the center and spirals outward

Still… If I silence my mind and lay silent

Yes silent

Devoid of cell phones, media, or the loud loud ringing of another person’s voice violating my ears

If I assault my heart, rifle through its treasures can I find it?

I want to say yes

To no longer look at that question mark in the mirror

To smile and nod and kiss the roundness of my eyes

To stroke the softness of my hair to feel

To feel…

Love

I hug my pillow, and mutter my prayers

My undying devotions to hope

I settle in the warmth of my own soul and there

I sleep

What is in a word?

I speak often of love.
It is true to say that my whole life is guided with this one core idea, and that is that LOVE is everything.
We are all created of star stuff, and which each tiny particle of cosmic stardust that fills us inside and out, is a secret prayer, a secret hope that is LOVE. Yet why then do we turn from it?

In my searchings I have come across a principal that states FEAR is the direct opposite of LOVE. Anything that does not come from love, comes from fear. Is this true?
Well lets see...
We fear being judged by people, so we isolate ourselves. In this instance unsocial behavior is a direct result of fear. Which is not a behavior conducive to love.
We fear that we are ugly, and so we call ourselves ugly, and fall out of love with self.
We fear what we don't understand, so we discriminate or hate it...
This is the opposite of love... fear.

Now that I have sent this out into the world I challenge one to become fear-less.
I am not asking you to not fear, I think that is something that is a choice. You can choose not to fear, or instead, you can choose love.
Yes, reader, choose love. That is what I am asking you to do.

If someone is telling you that you are nothing. I want you to go within, find that love within yourself, and move on. Recognize their own fear, the fear that YOU are SOMETHING. Let go of what others say of you.
If you are telling yourself "I'm not good enough" I am not strong enough." Or "I am not powerful enough." Then I challenge you to stop right now. Do not fear what you have not even attempted to try. Instead try, and then try again. There is nothing to fear... unless is it that you fear that you can?

Instead, dear reader, choose love. Know your fear, and choose to love yourself enough to give yourself a chance.

Glittering visions

Early on in my life
I picked diamonds from the grass
When demons whispered prayers in my ears, I made sure they did not pass
For all the hopes and dreams I had, one of them held true
The secret hope and fantasy that led me to you...

I spent many years picking diamonds from the trash
Scraping and polishing them, til they shown with pomp and class

Many of them fell and faltered and did slip from my hands
So tricky and so fleeting were they, refusing to expand
So I could stretch my hands around them, hold them in my heart
Those diamonds plucked so carefully, from which I did not want to part.
Without such glowing lights I found they'd stretched to full capacity
When stretched so far the illumination faded,they were reflections of my fantasy.

So here I am, all alone, dreaming a better dream it's true
And all my dreams I can't escape the dreams are filled with you.
Hope and love, clarity and faith, create our homespun family.
A treasure I can hardly say, in all it's magnanimity..

Oh! My love how I grieve for you!
To think, you don't see it too.

but, then again, I am one who picks diamonds from the grass...
Whose to say in this cruel world what dreams may come to pass?
I just know, I hold you close in my heart
Praying for the day we get the chance to finally start.

Eleven years, a hundred years- however long it lasts
I care not my dear, I'll pick no more diamonds from the trash.

It is time

It is time to rid the mind of continuing self doubt. That being in my head that tells me what other people think of me. I walk into a room full of people, and essentially I assume they think themselves superior to me.
That is because I ALLOW that self doubt, that they just might be superior.
Well, enough of that...
Often I wonder if exchanging prose will really make much difference? If I can exchange with you, the reader, a little bit of my life with the hope that you will come to an understanding. That you will take away from the baring of my soul a certain lesson that I have set out to teach.
Here are my lessons:
1. Open your eyes and see the life that surrounds you. Understand you are apart of a much larger whole, and everything you do has a trickle effect which leads out into the world. Be aware of this, and act accordingly.

2. Think big, but think small too. Sometimes the smallest things mean the world. For me, it was a school breakfast, a little diary offered as a gift from a stranger, a kind word given by a sister... These little things left impressions on me that is long lasting, and ever forging my path ahead.

3. Every day counts. Make sure you are taking time to find your own peace. This way, the people you effect will not get damaged because YOU feel neglected.

4. People like me go unnoticed every day. We are the abused, the neglected, the impoverished, the hopeful. Open your mind, see the heart of things. Be a hero.

5. Anyone can be a hero. You don't need super strength, speed, heck, you don't need arms or legs. All you need is heart, and the determination to make a change.

6. Take care of what you have, including the earth, you are dependent on allot more than you realize.

7. Trust

Once upon a time, a little girl dreamed that God was a huge creature up in heaven, who was infinatly bigger than earth and all the people on it. When God wanted to see how things were going, he/she would open a book called life, and turn to the page that most concerned him/her.
So convinced was this girl that life was a story. She used to write little stories about her adventures and even draw pictures. This was as much a cry for help, a need to understand the instability of her world. Why is there so much pain and not enough understanding?
So convinced was she that God read her story now and again that she would draw doors in the dirt or on the concrete with chalk. Each door was her size, and each door had a special key hole. Sometimes she drew a key, hoping it would magically appear, other times, she'd hope a key would show up. The doors would lead to a magical world there was no pain, no suffering and she would indeed find the place where she was MEANT to be... because the cruelty of having no home was too much for her to bare.
Sometimes she would sit in the dark, or away somewhere, behind a bush, behind a fence, alone, she would wrap her thin arms around herself and rock back and forth; humming and crying to herself. Somehow there had to be an escape, anyday now, God would open his/her book and see the turmoil in her little soul. When this happened, God would open a door, and she would be free.
Over the years the little girl grew into a teenager and lost her faith.
She'd spend hours with no sleep at night, then sleep all day.
She stopped drawing doors with chalk or dirt...
In these years she made many misstakes, in an effort to find her own way out. Yet, how does one escape what has already been?
Then the day came when the girl, through much trial and error finally understood something very important.
The door she was looking for did not exist within another man or woman. It did not exist on dirt or concrete, or at the other end of a rainbow. The magic she was trying to find was her own, and that door she desperately wanted to open was within herself. So now each day of her life, she continues to seek the door within, each day the door pries a little bit more open. At the other end she knows she will find home, love, and a safe haven. Each day she works on her key... and she will do so, for the rest of her life.

Here's to drawing our doors, and making the keys to opening them.
Love and life to you.

Suffocated, isolated, and left to die alone
There’s nothing more that needs saying when pain is all my own
A figment of my sneaky mind, out to get my brain
And confuse and use and twist the truths to heed this nasty thing
It grows inside of me with nagging, selfish, queasy guilt
Torn open with a serrated edge, ripped at the seams
My blood spills on the floor, ingraining in the wood
Save but a tiny pints worth, to revive the damned
And break free from the tight vise that wraps around my heart
For cold and dark is a lonely place
And I would find a portal to escape
But fear is a binding thing, which has but one cure
The cure is in the facing
If I can start embracing
All there is.
Then I can leave behind the past and move forward into the sun
No longer hindered by doubt and self-ridicule
No longer angry
No longer sad
No longer alone

There is no shame in falling. It happens from time to time... you can do nothing but let yourself cry, cleanse your soul.. then arise. Never forget to allow yourself the chance to get back up. Your strength is in your ability to accept your weaknesses, and move on..
Love to all of you.